i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Randomize
