"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
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