Got a toothbrush?
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
