Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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