I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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