Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
let's bang
You're in my phone as 'Weird Bus Guy' so I think my answer's no.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
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