Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Randomize
