It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Randomize
