i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
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