This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Randomize
