Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
So about class tomorrow..... i,ll be there. But I may be still a bit drink and wearing a suit. I'll explain when I get there.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Randomize
