I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
I've come to the conclusion, I should prob have at least 20 hr supervision. I would say 24, but I'm guaranteed to pass out for at least 4 hrs a day
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