Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
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