apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize