I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Randomize