I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Randomize