I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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