he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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