I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
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