I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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