My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
Randomize
