The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Randomize
