Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Randomize
