Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
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