I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
This beer is not sobering me up at all
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
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