it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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