Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Just high enough for therapy.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
