So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
Randomize