So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
