You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
She's better-looking with the mask on.
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