4 words: hood of his car
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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