Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
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