Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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