You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
you made out with another girl for some wings
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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