I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
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