Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
