Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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