I faked an abortion last night.
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Randomize
