if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
