I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
