Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
did i walk over a car last night?
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
