I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
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