this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
Randomize
