sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
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