I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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