Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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