I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
I need moral support for this bender
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
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