My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
