Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
Randomize
