Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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