Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
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