Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
East Village: Only place you can play pac man while eating a pineapple hotdog, go to the bar next door and see a graphic blowjob on every tv
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
