areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
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