Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Randomize
