OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
